She could literally feel the moment the memories hit him. Jane was standing on the doorstep, the left hand still on the handle. Silent, motionless, his back to her.
"I'm sorry", Lisbon knew that her words wouldn't make this moment better but she felt like she had murdered his family all over again.
Jane didn't respond. He was still standing there, shoulders down as if a burden bigger than anyone could bear would lie on his shoulders, staring in the room Lisbon could only imagine what he saw there. At first Lisbon thought of a hallucination, but then she realized that the slight shaking of Janes body was real. It sends cold shivers up and down her spine seeing his body reacting to the memories his mind still trying to come to terms with.
The shaking grew and Jane lend his head against the doorframe, his face still turned away. "I'm so so sorry", Lisbon whispered, not sure if he was able to hear her.
Suddenly Jane sank to the ground, shaking more and more, covering his face in his right hand, but still without any sound. Lisbon had seen a lot of death and grief, but this sight of pure sorrow was one of the worst and broke her heart. She didn't realize when she moved but in a flash she was by his side, dropping down beside him. Now she could hear him, a wailing, quiet sound she never heard before. Lisbon put her arm around him and Jane turned to her, leaning his face against her shoulder. She could feel his body shaking of the convulsive sobbing, the wet of his tears on her shirt, and she wrapped her arms around him, holding him, rubbing her hands on his back and making hushing sounds.
After minutes, which felt like hours, the trembling first lessened, then finally stopped and Jane was silent again. They sat there still for some time, Lisbon still holding Jane and without saying a word. Then a shudder went through Janes body and he raised his head, looking at Lisbon with red eyes.
"How could I forget it?" His voice was quiet and still a bit shaky.
"Your mind was trying to protect you, the Doctor said.", Lisbon explained gently. There was a look on Janes face Lisbon couldn't pin down. Was it... fear?
"And why is there still something inside me that wished I had forgotten them forever? Forgotten the pain..." Jane murmured. Lisbon realized that Jane was not looking at her, he was staring right through her, looking at something miles, maybe also times away.
"Hey Jane, listen, listen!", Lisbon said with determination, taking his face in her hands and forcing him to look at her. "You have to come back, you have to look forward. We need you, the memory of your family needs you. As long as you still remember them, a part of them is alive and you have to use this live to find the one who did this to them. Do you understand?"
Jane blinked and it was like his eyes turned from the eyes of an old man to the blue seas they were before. "You're right. I will find him. I will find Red John and he will pay for what he did."
Lisbon shook her head. "No, Jane. We will find him. You. Me. The team. We all will help you. We're your friends, we will not let you down."
It was just for the blink of an eye but Lisbon could have sworn that she saw a small smile on Janes face. He nodded, then taking a deep breath before struggling to his feet. "I guess... I'll need a cup of tea." He said while adjusting his jacket. Jane helped Lisbon up, holding her hand a moment longer than needed. "I'm coming back. I think you'll need me - who else would solve all the cases?", he said with one of his old smirks and then let go of her hand.
He turned his back on her and started to move to the staircase, but then stopping after a few steps. "And... thank you, Teresa.", Lisbon heard him saying, quietly, with some of the pain in the voice she felt in him earlier.
"You're welcome." she said, still feeling his tears on her shoulder. Then she turned around and closed the door to the room of memories.
