Nine years... And still missing you   von -ChiRo-
               (To the friend who can not hear my voice anymore)
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               Kapitel 1: Without fear, without wanting anything
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Nine years...and still missing you

I know I have written something like this already. And even with my bad english
I wanna write something about it again. Please understand this. I don't know
what kind of language you used to speak in this place, neither I know where you
are. Just to know that you aren't here anymore is more than enough for me.
It's okay if you can't come back.
It's okay if you don't want to come back anymore.
I won't ask anythin about it. 
But I hope you're happy in this place. That you don't have to regret anything or
miss anyone. 
But it's kinda hard to believe this without knowing anything about the dead. I
always thought that.. that I knew something!
But I was so wrong. Even with your storys, with everything you explained to me
with your own experiences. 
You could just told me this when you were still alive. But now, in your dead
modus there isn't a chance to talk with you. 
I'm not sure if I even wanna talk. 
Or see. 
But the feeling, not to know anything is really painful. You thought so too,
didn't you? 
In this time, when you were alive you always hated not to know everything! But
there are things that we couldn't know as long as we are "humans". 
So you decided not to be human anymore.
You thought that if you would be dead you could be something special something
like a medium without carrying any pain inside of you. 
But you should know that feelings never can get lost. They stay in this world
even if you pain will switch into another person. Maybe with another body.
Pain could be switching to Hate.
Someone could hate you. Not me but maybe someone who is alone without you. 
Your broter?
This little guy in my age who you always ignored! I'm sure I should not be angry
about this today but I am.
I am angry that you just left us and that you never thought it could be bettwer.
Yes, maybe your life was the worst but it was there! You had somethin' and you
just through it away like a piece of shit!
And with that you hurt everyone besides you. Not just your brother, me too. I am
sad and maybe really kind of lonely!
I miss you! I really liked you and just like that day when your brother told me
about your death I could not just cry!
I want to cry! Just today I really really wanna cry!
But there aren't any tears. I don't have any.
It is like I am a hollow body with a soul but nothing else inside it. You know
this feeling, don't you?
But I won't just end it just because I don't like it. Even if I can not stand it
I'm not strong or weak enough to hurt myself. 
I hate this body, okay. But it won't be better if I hurt him, will it?
So I'll just wait. I will wait until it's over and you can't do anything against
it!
I won't come with you to this place! This time I won't cry over you and I won't
want to die! 
And even when my eyes starting to get wet now, I won't cry!
So just rest there where you are and if you don't want to contact me from there
it's your own fault. 
I won't cry.. this year.

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